I thought you just made a premature decision by leaving us before. I thought it was just a product of you being overwhelmed by new environment, a more comfortable life and you just had a better-in-almost-everything-option. Something that I think you believed is far from possible if you stayed with us.
I made myself think that you left us because you wanted a better life and that such thinking is not wrong. Yes, I justified what you did because I cannot live hating the only man I have loved first. I processed the thought that desiring for a better life is everybody’s right and leaving us was part of the choice you need to make to have a better life. “I understand”, was what I always told myself and the people around. I want to believe I do and I think I did, not until now.
What happened? Why are you ruining your life in front of my scarred soul? Every time I think of the accusations they made against you, there is a mixed feeling of pain and a little disgust. It is beyond painful for reasons I cannot exactly explain. And for the first time in my whole life being a daughter, I feel disgusted. This feeling of disgust that I cannot fathom as of now is embarrassing me.
I am sorry that I feel this way towards you. I still want to believe that there is a very good reason for all these. I want to believe I’ll get to understand about all these, soon and by then I will be free from all these poisonous emotions that have long resided in my heart.
I hope you will get through from all of these because I believe somewhere down those cold sharp eyes is still my father 13 years ago. We will be waiting for you to come back, I hope you make it sooner though many believed it’s no longer necessary.
I wanna see you walk home SOON.
It’s the triple S day.
Sneakers. Skirt. Sleeves.
I am supposed to wear my uniform today because it’s Friday but had a change of heart. Instead, I wear my hubby’s (goosebumps for the term) closed-neck indigo-striped long sleeves polo, tucked under my flounce black skirt paired with my classic kinda dirty black sneakers. Voila!
(Oh, excuse that creepy pout, duck-face rather, the messy hair and the where-are-those-brows-eyebrow.)
I decided to roll the sleeves up to show that I have limbs. Lol. Yes, they are short but they are there (insert walling aka Ryzza Mae Dizon “Height, why have you forsaken me?“).
Lately, I am so much into wearing loose, hip and trendy outfit (forgive the bias) because the holiday ROIs (return of investment in short bilbil) are beyond visible. That moment when you tried your mightiest to suck in the air in your stomach to button up your pants. Whew! The struggle is real.
Oh please, do not give me that you-think-you-are-fat-then-how-about-me-look because seriously, I’m so pissed off with the fact that it costs me forever to decide whether to wear clothes that makes me look a darn “suman” or a desperate scarecrow. Ugh!
Oh, forgive the rant.
I killed them.
Many were dead.
I killed them. I know it’s not a good thing, oh it’s a terrible feeling but who are you to blame a pissed-off blogger like me? I mean, I can no longer stand the stinky and dirty smell of my prehistoric blogs full of outdated sentiments of how bad life is, was and will be and how fed up and hurt I was. Duh. I needed a brand new start for a my new life. I am not saying that this blog is going to be different from my previous blogs but I also can’t tell what it’s gonna be. I think the reason why I lose interest on my previous blogs is not because of schedule but because I was pressured to think of a topic that is going to fit the description I gave to my blogs. The blogs that I made bound by my own rules and standards made writing and blogging for me even harder. So, I think deleting them is doing a favor to myself.
Hey! This is my first entry thus the title “Primero”, the spanish term for first. Oh, we’re getting informative here. Watch out for more crazy, crazier and craziest entries soon (assuming that I have millions of readers). LOL