Just Can’t . . .

Unsettling.

Yes, this is the perfect description of how I felt for  the past few days. I have all these feelings I can’t named and understand and sometimes I thought they’re just in my mind.

I can’t explain why I get tired, like really tired, when I am not into strenuous activities lately. Well, if you could call hitting the gym twice a week, for an hour of cardio then maybe, I got the answer to my questions. But you know, it’s not that.

I get really pumped up every time I thought of writing an entry for my blog but every time I sign in, I lost the focus on which one to do first. I feel like I wanted to change the appearance first, the name and I even think of deleting all the posts but didn’t because I thought of the few special people who politely commented and liked my posts and it gets me excited even more.

I thought of the hormones. I think my eggs are in some kind of zumba in there. Yes, ovulation period. Yes, I do sense them like a normal woman does. Do you?  But as I’m writing this now, I don’t really feel proud blaming the hormones for all these blabber.

I thought of my full-time job. It’s right here and I’ve got lots of checks to deposit, subscriptions to trace and follow up, periodicals to index and a whole lot of unfinished works I no longer know where to start. It’s creeping me out.

I thought of how unfortunate it is to not have water in the office so, I get to buy my own water downstairs. Hey, before I was able to write that statement ahead, I think I got a 3-minute lapse. Geez, such a waste of time. Thinking of time, I remembered a quote ” A time enjoyed wasting is not a wasted time,” and I dunno it that was the right passage.

Suddenly, I remembered how I wanted to take a leave this morning when I woke up at 6:43. (I reread the first statement of this entry, stopped and wrote this.) I feel funny. Wait, yeah, this morning I wanted to take a leave because I was tired and I woke up late because I slept late but I don’t think that’s too late. Anyway, I slept at 12:43 last night or was that this morning? but yes, that’s 12:43. Read the next paragraph to know why.

I get really addicted to make-up video tutorials. (Wait, before I was able to write the addiction on makeup tutorials thingy, I was tempted to read again this whole entry from the top.Gosh, and you know what happens next if I was able to read this entire entry again? I’ll be tempted to edit, restructure, recreate this post, whatever is the term and this post will surely go nowhere. If I did succumbed to my habit of editing posts in the middle of writing them, I’ll surely end up trashing this post away. Good thing I didn’t (trash or edit?) Of course you’ll know because of the next paragraph.)

Suddenly, I thought of my students, my class tomorrow and the midterm exams next week. (Gosh, I must stop. This has to end!) See? Now you know how uneasy, disorganized, crazy and plainly cannot-be-figured-out-attitude I got today.

END.

Wait, I’m not supposed to put an end to this post yet, but I think I have to. 571 words of barely nothing but sentiments. Oh, it’s 577, wait 580 words already. No, it’s 583. (As I write, my eyes were on the lower right of the screen chasing the automatic word count. I must say, it’s worth my time 🙂

 

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Hypocrites!

Weird. Uncanny. Used to believe these words were enough to describe life.

Must have been dreamin’ for it wasn’t, it isn’t.

Life has its own way of saying “f*ck you, ‘m winning this round”

And you gotta stand there watchin’ how someone’s screwin’ you’ life.

“You gotta be strong.” Empty words from strangers that don’t make sense.

Words from encouragers who can’t f*ckin motivate themselves to go wake up at five and go to gym.

Self-proclaimed encouragers. Hell, yeah. Tell me something I do not know.

Tell me something I didn’t once use to lie to myself.

Encouragers were once broken perhaps unkempt ’til now.

Yet, they tell you, “Get going. Keep moving.”

Encouragers.

Think I was one.

But already dropped the tag a long time.

And life?

I’ma keep beating you.

Stay strong.