Troubled

Thoughts everywhere.

I wanna be a writer of a famous magazine, of a high-rating soap opera or a blockbuster film. I wanna be a vlogger or a blogger. I wanna be a lawyer. I wanna be there! On top! And I can’t. And as I hardly rammed my fingers on the keyboards I can feel my muscles tensed on my left arm, whatever you call that muscle, I don’t give a damn. I just wanna hit these keys and pour everything that I am feeling right now. What I hate the most at this moment is that stupid backspace key trying to stop me from typing another set of nonsense phrases.

All I wanted is an outlet, then until now and forever. I know I have Jesus forever but this stupid human head and heart can’t seem to reconcile with the idea that I should not be bothered because I have everything that I need. This cranky feeling that I have right now is getting the best of me. Pathetic as it may seemed but I’m still concerned of this idiotic abandoned feeling. I should not be feeling pathetic because I’ve been telling myself that I am blessed but these stupid thoughts racing in my mind are getting crazy! Driving me crazy in fact. I am feeling crazy right now. And this blog, whom I envisioned to become the nest of my fruitful thoughts and amazing ideas is becoming a trash bin of my unsegregated emotions.

Even when I get all the sleep that I need, I still feel stupid and clumsy and no good. Even when I just had laid out my eggs there is still that feeling down there, wherever it is that I can’t give a name. Now, I can’t blame hormones for these nonsense thoughts. I blame it all on me, for the way I wrongly handled my thoughts so long ago.

I just wanna get hold of myself.

 

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Just that.

Have you ever experienced getting used to some stuff that it becomes your routine? I bet everybody does, like me. And suddenly, things changed. Just like that! Just as you are about to be celebrating for finally accepting the unacceptable, it changes. And now you’re back to contemplating on whether you have missed time or have had so much time contemplating that you overlooked other things.

When we say we’re okay and we aren’t. We hope for someone out of the thousands who gave you an everything-will-be-fine-words-of-wisdom will step out and give you the it-is-okay-not-to-be-okay- hug. But then, no one does that. They all leave carrying with them the pride of having consoled a lonely friend. Only few realizes that the it’s okay is never okay because some pain runs and remains deep.

Maybe it is not so sad to be sad at all even when without reason. There are times when I look for that pain within because I think that is what I deserve. Being so happy scares many of us. It scares me most of the time. I can’t help but get paranoid and think of all the potential negative events to come. Paranoia. It kills the life at the moment. It prevents you from being happy today and the day after for the rest of your lives.

There is so much in my mind right now. I should have not waited this long to write them. They are like the dirty and smelly water coming out from the overflowing canal. Expected but unstoppable.