I wanna be a writer of a famous magazine, of a high-rating soap opera or a blockbuster film. I wanna be a vlogger or a blogger. I wanna be a lawyer. I wanna be there! On top! And I can’t. And as I hardly rammed my fingers on the keyboards I can feel my muscles tensed on my left arm, whatever you call that muscle, I don’t give a damn. I just wanna hit these keys and pour everything that I am feeling right now. What I hate the most at this moment is that stupid backspace key trying to stop me from typing another set of nonsense phrases.
All I wanted is an outlet, then until now and forever. I know I have Jesus forever but this stupid human head and heart can’t seem to reconcile with the idea that I should not be bothered because I have everything that I need. This cranky feeling that I have right now is getting the best of me. Pathetic as it may seemed but I’m still concerned of this idiotic abandoned feeling. I should not be feeling pathetic because I’ve been telling myself that I am blessed but these stupid thoughts racing in my mind are getting crazy! Driving me crazy in fact. I am feeling crazy right now. And this blog, whom I envisioned to become the nest of my fruitful thoughts and amazing ideas is becoming a trash bin of my unsegregated emotions.
Even when I get all the sleep that I need, I still feel stupid and clumsy and no good. Even when I just had laid out my eggs there is still that feeling down there, wherever it is that I can’t give a name. Now, I can’t blame hormones for these nonsense thoughts. I blame it all on me, for the way I wrongly handled my thoughts so long ago.
I just wanna get hold of myself.